I'd like to help make you a "woman of significant means" because I want to read your "bestsellers" and buy tickets to fund your "exorbitant speaking fees" so I can hear all your "weird ideas."
Write things, and I will pay for them. Schedule talks, and I will come.
In a similar spirit, I saw this article (link at end of comment) a few weeks back about retreats available in Germany for parents who are getting burned out. I want to read and write speculative fiction that is not about lasers or wizards, but stories that help us to imagine and inhabit a world where a consistent ethic of care is our starting point, not just a dream. (So this is me also saying, like Katherine below, go for it Meg, and we will follow!) https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20230228-the-german-clinics-for-burnt-out-parents
May 23, 2023·edited May 23, 2023Liked by Meg Conley
Jessica Valenti has been writing for at least 20 years about how the Christian right has explicitly targeted no-fault divorce laws, birth control/abortion, educational opportunities for women and the social safety net explicitly IN ORDER TO force women into marriage. We're up against very big forces on this front.
I grew up in the 1st wave of 1970s divorces, when my mother had to get a very distant cousin, who happened to be male, to cosign for her so she could get a checking account, and we were absolutely ruined financially. My aunt drank herself to death because she couldn't fathom how to get out of her marriage.
I spent my 20s and 30s terrified that marriage would literally kill me, rob me of any hope of creative achievement, and trap me into having kids I'd later be unable to support on my own. So I avoided it altogether, which was maybe not the answer either.
I love the mutual aid concept of divorce fellowships, but what I'd really like is to see marriage law reconstructed in fundamental ways. I'd hoped that civil partnerships might have opened that door, but it got slammed shut by a gay marriage movement that (understandably) sought the same rights as straight marriage. I'd hoped we'd maybe start over from scratch, but it's a lot to ask of a group who'd been locked out forever ... but getting rid of the idea that women and children are property would be a great start. [Sorry this got so long ...]
I have a lottery dream. An outrageously large lottery, like $500M. And my ideas were (before American society went to hell six years ago) centered around community care. I would fund social workers and pay excellent salaries, so folks could go into a field that makes them happy and still pay the bills. I would open after school care in large buildings where parents could come and learn cooking skills and have fresh produce/proteins available at cost and have kitchens where they could practice these skills and the families could all eat together in nice dining rooms. They would be safe spaces and mental health practitioners would be available and men and women would learn to talk and unlearn bad habits and support each other. The staff would be fairly compensated. Children would have homework help...
Now I want to fund reproductive healthcare and transportation for anyone wanting to relocate to a safe new state. And housing assistance and ... the list just goes on!
So Meg I am behind your ideas 100%. I was one who never made the Decision due to finances. I stayed and my children (now grown) suffered as a consequence.
If we can impact one person at a time, I’m good with that too.
Reading this after I just canceled my subscription to homeculture because I'm getting divorced and I need to scrimp and save. Because I live in Denver and work as a community organizer and I'm realizing my entire career has been subsidized by my husband's male-dominated work's income.
Really feeling how much our systems make it so women have to rely on their male partner. Not only in terms of cost of leaving (emotionally as well as financial) but things like-- my credit score is poor because his was better which meant we always put things on his credit and mine didn't get any play which means its harder for me to get housing.
And even though I don't need to leave a bad situation like abuse, the Big reason is because I'm gay and when I came to that realization I couldn't put the genie back in the bottle, so to speak, and not living your authentic self is a massive cost. I'm so so craving that community aspect to the Fellowship, especially as a recently single queer parent. I know parents (who are married), I know divorced people (who are child-free), I know queer people (who are child-free and single). And I need the support with the rupture that is the end of my marriage (to a person I love), the simultaneous coming out, the childcare that's happening through it all, and the weight of it all.
So that's a big long TMI post to say, yes, god, please, I want to live in a world where the Fellowship exists. And thank you for the comradery that comes from just wishing for it.
so real and right. oof. I’m with ya completely. It’s scary how the systems in place do everything to keep marginalized people oppressed. Divorce is a biggy--and such a scary situation for so many women to be in. We need at least universal basic income--that and the fellowship! 💜
I was starting to tear up just reading this. My parents separated and got divorced when I was a young kid and my mom was forced to stay in the same city as my father or forfeit custody (she couldn’t get a position in her field where we lived). She chose to stay. It had enormous repercussions for the way my sister and I grew up, and her long term happiness and fulfillment. My family of origin is going through a tough time right now and there are so many times I’ve wondered “what if” about the divorce, my dad having financial and societal power that my mother didn’t, and what if she could have accessed *real* support and help that would have empowered her, and not barely kept the lights on. Who would we be? Where would we be?
I am sending your friend all of the good vibes and wishing her and her kids safety, security, empowerment, and love. Thank Gd she has you and your friends. What a blessing.
Please Gd may your vision for a fellowship be a reality, soon in our days.
Well dreamed. In America we need to rediscover caring for each other while building alternative mutual support networks. The precarity of divorce imposed on most women is a continuing legacy of patriarchy. In this increasingly extremist society, major forces are aligned to reign in women’s autonomy. This present society will not re-write divorce laws to protect women’s rights (or children’s). But women can reclaim agency by forming networks of mutual aid for, yes, divorce support, but also the larger issues of safe housing, child care, reproductive health care, and economic support. Men will not do this, but they can be allies and funders. There is so much that can be done organizing to solve these problems together, now. Networks like this can start from the community level involving friends and neighbors and the template can be spread nationally. Women in red states can begin the resistance by taking care of each other instead of being divided and conquered. No woman should have to face divorce alone. Women can build the care networks to make that a reality. Please.
This really resonated with me. My dear old mum stayed far too long in a marriage out of fear of no money and Baptist frowns and I think the other part of the divorce fellowship is better stories in public spaces of how divorce is and works for normal people - not the flashy scenes of litigation but who gets the face jug (see Lauren Winner for this reference) Surely this also starts with a better cultural and monetary value placed on the care work that financially scrambles many women in the first place. In the UK it’s a right pickle. I have got so much more to say but I’m hiding in the shower room to write this in peace and the game is up...
I think about this ALL THE TIME. I go on walks with other moms, and many of us are happy or fine in our marriages, but ALL of us still think and talk about what we'd do with a load of money, no strings attached, and I'm not gonna lie: some of us are like, why not get divorced? Marriage is fine, but we are dreaming, right? Why not dream big? Why not dream ourselves out of societal norms and oppression and invisible care work?
I mean I love this. But why just mothers. I want this for anyone who needs to leave a marriage whether they have a child or not. (Yes I agree that the an overwhelming number of the beneficiaries would be cis women, but not always.)
Care
———
Capital
I love this idea, and it should be our ultimate goal as a society. We have more than enough money to go around.
Brilliant Meg 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾🤍
❤️💚*
* And, Meg, I love your footnotes.
I'd like to help make you a "woman of significant means" because I want to read your "bestsellers" and buy tickets to fund your "exorbitant speaking fees" so I can hear all your "weird ideas."
Write things, and I will pay for them. Schedule talks, and I will come.
Anyone else? We all agree on this plan, yes?
In a similar spirit, I saw this article (link at end of comment) a few weeks back about retreats available in Germany for parents who are getting burned out. I want to read and write speculative fiction that is not about lasers or wizards, but stories that help us to imagine and inhabit a world where a consistent ethic of care is our starting point, not just a dream. (So this is me also saying, like Katherine below, go for it Meg, and we will follow!) https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20230228-the-german-clinics-for-burnt-out-parents
Jessica Valenti has been writing for at least 20 years about how the Christian right has explicitly targeted no-fault divorce laws, birth control/abortion, educational opportunities for women and the social safety net explicitly IN ORDER TO force women into marriage. We're up against very big forces on this front.
I grew up in the 1st wave of 1970s divorces, when my mother had to get a very distant cousin, who happened to be male, to cosign for her so she could get a checking account, and we were absolutely ruined financially. My aunt drank herself to death because she couldn't fathom how to get out of her marriage.
I spent my 20s and 30s terrified that marriage would literally kill me, rob me of any hope of creative achievement, and trap me into having kids I'd later be unable to support on my own. So I avoided it altogether, which was maybe not the answer either.
I love the mutual aid concept of divorce fellowships, but what I'd really like is to see marriage law reconstructed in fundamental ways. I'd hoped that civil partnerships might have opened that door, but it got slammed shut by a gay marriage movement that (understandably) sought the same rights as straight marriage. I'd hoped we'd maybe start over from scratch, but it's a lot to ask of a group who'd been locked out forever ... but getting rid of the idea that women and children are property would be a great start. [Sorry this got so long ...]
I love your dream! It reminds me of mine.
I have a lottery dream. An outrageously large lottery, like $500M. And my ideas were (before American society went to hell six years ago) centered around community care. I would fund social workers and pay excellent salaries, so folks could go into a field that makes them happy and still pay the bills. I would open after school care in large buildings where parents could come and learn cooking skills and have fresh produce/proteins available at cost and have kitchens where they could practice these skills and the families could all eat together in nice dining rooms. They would be safe spaces and mental health practitioners would be available and men and women would learn to talk and unlearn bad habits and support each other. The staff would be fairly compensated. Children would have homework help...
Now I want to fund reproductive healthcare and transportation for anyone wanting to relocate to a safe new state. And housing assistance and ... the list just goes on!
So Meg I am behind your ideas 100%. I was one who never made the Decision due to finances. I stayed and my children (now grown) suffered as a consequence.
If we can impact one person at a time, I’m good with that too.
Reading this after I just canceled my subscription to homeculture because I'm getting divorced and I need to scrimp and save. Because I live in Denver and work as a community organizer and I'm realizing my entire career has been subsidized by my husband's male-dominated work's income.
Really feeling how much our systems make it so women have to rely on their male partner. Not only in terms of cost of leaving (emotionally as well as financial) but things like-- my credit score is poor because his was better which meant we always put things on his credit and mine didn't get any play which means its harder for me to get housing.
And even though I don't need to leave a bad situation like abuse, the Big reason is because I'm gay and when I came to that realization I couldn't put the genie back in the bottle, so to speak, and not living your authentic self is a massive cost. I'm so so craving that community aspect to the Fellowship, especially as a recently single queer parent. I know parents (who are married), I know divorced people (who are child-free), I know queer people (who are child-free and single). And I need the support with the rupture that is the end of my marriage (to a person I love), the simultaneous coming out, the childcare that's happening through it all, and the weight of it all.
So that's a big long TMI post to say, yes, god, please, I want to live in a world where the Fellowship exists. And thank you for the comradery that comes from just wishing for it.
so real and right. oof. I’m with ya completely. It’s scary how the systems in place do everything to keep marginalized people oppressed. Divorce is a biggy--and such a scary situation for so many women to be in. We need at least universal basic income--that and the fellowship! 💜
I was starting to tear up just reading this. My parents separated and got divorced when I was a young kid and my mom was forced to stay in the same city as my father or forfeit custody (she couldn’t get a position in her field where we lived). She chose to stay. It had enormous repercussions for the way my sister and I grew up, and her long term happiness and fulfillment. My family of origin is going through a tough time right now and there are so many times I’ve wondered “what if” about the divorce, my dad having financial and societal power that my mother didn’t, and what if she could have accessed *real* support and help that would have empowered her, and not barely kept the lights on. Who would we be? Where would we be?
I am sending your friend all of the good vibes and wishing her and her kids safety, security, empowerment, and love. Thank Gd she has you and your friends. What a blessing.
Please Gd may your vision for a fellowship be a reality, soon in our days.
Well dreamed. In America we need to rediscover caring for each other while building alternative mutual support networks. The precarity of divorce imposed on most women is a continuing legacy of patriarchy. In this increasingly extremist society, major forces are aligned to reign in women’s autonomy. This present society will not re-write divorce laws to protect women’s rights (or children’s). But women can reclaim agency by forming networks of mutual aid for, yes, divorce support, but also the larger issues of safe housing, child care, reproductive health care, and economic support. Men will not do this, but they can be allies and funders. There is so much that can be done organizing to solve these problems together, now. Networks like this can start from the community level involving friends and neighbors and the template can be spread nationally. Women in red states can begin the resistance by taking care of each other instead of being divided and conquered. No woman should have to face divorce alone. Women can build the care networks to make that a reality. Please.
This really resonated with me. My dear old mum stayed far too long in a marriage out of fear of no money and Baptist frowns and I think the other part of the divorce fellowship is better stories in public spaces of how divorce is and works for normal people - not the flashy scenes of litigation but who gets the face jug (see Lauren Winner for this reference) Surely this also starts with a better cultural and monetary value placed on the care work that financially scrambles many women in the first place. In the UK it’s a right pickle. I have got so much more to say but I’m hiding in the shower room to write this in peace and the game is up...
I think about this ALL THE TIME. I go on walks with other moms, and many of us are happy or fine in our marriages, but ALL of us still think and talk about what we'd do with a load of money, no strings attached, and I'm not gonna lie: some of us are like, why not get divorced? Marriage is fine, but we are dreaming, right? Why not dream big? Why not dream ourselves out of societal norms and oppression and invisible care work?
I mean I love this. But why just mothers. I want this for anyone who needs to leave a marriage whether they have a child or not. (Yes I agree that the an overwhelming number of the beneficiaries would be cis women, but not always.)