You are so kind. I don’t know if it’s courageous. I do worry about what I’ll damage. I’ve already lost contact with some family members because of things I’ve written. It’s incredibly painful. But. What else is there to do? But this? You know?
I know in a different way. Not based on religion but based on secular abuse. I’m getting more of that heart-rage ready to go. I am honored to witness you and stand for you.
Peter Marshall said, “May we think of freedom, not as the right to do as we please, but as the opportunity to do what is right.” Standing behind you as you fight for the things that you believe are right.
This is exactly it, Anica. EXACTLY. I am in a position where I can do this. So I am free to do it. So I must. Thank you so, so, so much for being here.
Your comments about believing something that shapes reality, and trying to exist outside the bounds of that really hit a chord with me. Thank you as always for putting your thoughts together in such striking ways.
Thank you so much for being receptive. It's taken a long time for me to realize that people did not understand how real it was to me. It's hard to explain. But I hope to do it the best I can here. Grateful for your witness.
Love and admire you so much, Meg! As a non-Mormon with some LDS-adjacency in my life, I thought I understood the stakes of breaking with the church or speaking out about abuse, but this really deepened my understanding of the tightness of the knot here.
My friend! I love and admire you so much too! I am glad it helped explain it a bit. It's so hard to really explain. Like. I kept rewriting sentences that sounded kind of....dramatic. Trying to make it accessible. But I just keep feeling like - how do I get across the very real mix of desperation and hope? Without sounding bonkers? Impossible!
I sit here in my bathroom as the rest of my neighborhood goes to church weeping at your words. It is so hard to articulate (for me) what has been happening inside my soul. Thank you for your voice.
I used to be a prosecutor, and I did some work in human trafficking. One of the things people used to say about the dynamic was: “perpetrators don’t need to control their victims physically once their mind is in a cage.” You’ve just given shape to the cage. Like so many systemic mechanisms of control, people can only get out when they see the structures that trap them. Thank you.
Oh my gosh, this is exactly it, isn't it? Like, we know that reality is constructed by our perceptions. And so of course, it can be built around us for purposes we can't always discern. But it's hard to realize that. And it's very hard to keep realizing it. And there's always a moment in the middle of deconstruction when I feel a bit Beautiful Mind about it all? Which can be unsettling too! I just try to offer myself and others a lot of grace.
The thing that really struck me about your piece is how familiar it all feels, and I wasn't even raised LDS.
I'm reading everything you've written about how men have power, church is the highest authority and women are to be sacrificed—and it pushes into a tender part of my flesh. Our family joined a charismatic, evangelical church when I was 9, and while it was technically affiliated with other churches, but really it was shapeshifting much of the time. I can't help but reflect on the endless conversations I had growing up with my father and remember being told how, theologically, LDS folks weren't "real" Christians. But your descriptions of the power dynamics make me think that he would feel right at home. In fact, the structures of LDS as you describe them are exactly what my home church and my college church all echoed as the ideal way to help the "kingdom come to earth." 😕
Lamentations, indeed.
P.S. I studied LDS a bit at the beginning of my faith crisis in my 20s and read enough of Joseph Smith's writings to remember where the teachings had a demonstrable effect on me. So I also wanted to say that you are using the LDS vernacular in very understandable ways.
I just think about this piece pushing until it bruises and I feel so sorry for it. I think this is such an astute comment. Because ultimately, power structures can only take a few shapes. And most of them bruise. It's funny how the answers are embedded in the structures, huh? Like it was freeing to me, as I read Christ's words without the filter of my first religion, and realized hierarchical religion had nothing to do with anything He'd ever said. But I'd read those words so many times before....why couldn't I understand what they really said? For so long? Context is powerful, like...frighteningly so.
Holy shit Meg. Thank you for this. I was raised evangelical Christian and so much of what you write resonates deeply with me. “It felt impossible to leave but I was raised to believe impossible things.” Yes. Maybe someday I’ll finally, publicly leave, instead of just privately avoiding the churches of my youth. And it feels like necessary reparenting to read that you finally walked away because you couldn’t sacrifice your girls on that altar. This is such a necessary project and I can only imagine the emotional energy it requires. I will follow you to the end though and I’m so thankful for how your words echo in my mind. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Theodora, thank you for your gorgeous words. I don't know if being public is required of any of us. I feel that I need to be public because I am a slightly public person. And writing is the only thing I know how to do. I just really honor however you are navigating this. It is enough! And I've been thinking so much about the decisions my parents made vs the decisions we've made. The church taught me one thing. But the gospel I was given at home was different. And a lot of my conflict came when I realized the church didn't match the gospel at my kitchen table. It's perhaps not my story to tell - but my mom has left too. My dad has been gone for years, but he would have followed her anywhere. I get into this whole thing more in the series, but it's definitely something I've been thinking about. Like where is the line between reparenting and doing what you were raised to do? I don't know! But it's constantly on my mind.
It's interesting, leaving a faith. Mine was Catholicism, which still shapes me. I miss the liturgical year. I miss my parish (interestingly the best parish I was a part of was the Newman Center in SLC when I was in grad school). But that the Church has met it's reckoning with abuse by doubling down on it's worst tendencies, and by screaming to the right into the arms of authoritarianism, well. I'll go to Mass for a funeral, but that's it these days. And I buried my mother in the Episcopsalian church, because they weren't using the occasion as an opportunity to wield power.
I really relate with this in so many ways. I've liked the time I've spent in Episcopalian pews. I might spend more time there. I do miss a congregation. I do miss a sermon. I do miss the project of loving everyone in the pews. But...well...it is what it is. All my love.
I know. I miss the liturgical year. I miss the readings. I miss the standing and sitting and that we all enact faith with our bodies. The Episcopalians in my home town are really smart and interesting, I should check out our local. But yes. It's hard to defy gravity, and we remain defined by it. WIth luck, we keep the good bits, and use them to build something better.
Love back at you. I lived in SLC long enough to know what a massive thing it is you all did. And how hard.
I left Mormonism last year. I came out relatively unscathed but the more stories I hear the more I realize how lucky I am. Part of why I left it because I refuse to take my kids into a place with so much potential for harm. Thank you for this series!
This is so powerful Meg. I did not grow up with religion, but I do see parallel threads in the institutions and hierarchies we are told to accept, of patriarchal authority and structures we have been so conditioned by. It is amazing how hard it can be to see through it, how context and other influences we can't even see or know make a cage look safe, even powerful. I really appreciate you sharing your experience because as hard and confusing it can be to share it, it will help others see more clearly as well. Sending love and solidarity. 💜
My thoughts exactly. Ever since Christianity became the official religion of the roman empire it's been the model of patriarchy and hierarchy that's informed not only all its spinoffs but also our government, corporate, and social structures. I appreciate you Meg.
A lament! Meg, that got me right in the heart. To this day many of the people most close to me in my life are people who were also raised Mormon--who lived inside that intimate universe and know its same shape. The intimacy is both the gift and the sword, isn't it? Once you raise your voice you stand to lose the most intimate connections that you have. Some of the connections are more dear to me now than ever now that I stepped outside that universe, but some of them are severed--sister, mother, daughter. A lament, indeed.
If there's any way that I can support you while doing this, please let me know. I so look forward to the next installment.
Meg, your writing hits exactly the right spot. The world-shifting realization that what you were taught was THE TRUTH is really just one version of oppression for so many of us, and has nothing to do with what Jesus taught or how he operated. With you on this journey!
Meg. This is so powerful and you are so cou-rage-ouus for yourself and for so many others. Xoxoxox
You are so kind. I don’t know if it’s courageous. I do worry about what I’ll damage. I’ve already lost contact with some family members because of things I’ve written. It’s incredibly painful. But. What else is there to do? But this? You know?
I know in a different way. Not based on religion but based on secular abuse. I’m getting more of that heart-rage ready to go. I am honored to witness you and stand for you.
Peter Marshall said, “May we think of freedom, not as the right to do as we please, but as the opportunity to do what is right.” Standing behind you as you fight for the things that you believe are right.
This is exactly it, Anica. EXACTLY. I am in a position where I can do this. So I am free to do it. So I must. Thank you so, so, so much for being here.
Please let me know how I can support you through this! Always happy to be a second set of eyes, an ear to bounce ideas off of…
Your comments about believing something that shapes reality, and trying to exist outside the bounds of that really hit a chord with me. Thank you as always for putting your thoughts together in such striking ways.
Thank you so much for being receptive. It's taken a long time for me to realize that people did not understand how real it was to me. It's hard to explain. But I hope to do it the best I can here. Grateful for your witness.
Love and admire you so much, Meg! As a non-Mormon with some LDS-adjacency in my life, I thought I understood the stakes of breaking with the church or speaking out about abuse, but this really deepened my understanding of the tightness of the knot here.
My friend! I love and admire you so much too! I am glad it helped explain it a bit. It's so hard to really explain. Like. I kept rewriting sentences that sounded kind of....dramatic. Trying to make it accessible. But I just keep feeling like - how do I get across the very real mix of desperation and hope? Without sounding bonkers? Impossible!
I sit here in my bathroom as the rest of my neighborhood goes to church weeping at your words. It is so hard to articulate (for me) what has been happening inside my soul. Thank you for your voice.
All of my love to you. All of it.
I used to be a prosecutor, and I did some work in human trafficking. One of the things people used to say about the dynamic was: “perpetrators don’t need to control their victims physically once their mind is in a cage.” You’ve just given shape to the cage. Like so many systemic mechanisms of control, people can only get out when they see the structures that trap them. Thank you.
Oh my gosh, this is exactly it, isn't it? Like, we know that reality is constructed by our perceptions. And so of course, it can be built around us for purposes we can't always discern. But it's hard to realize that. And it's very hard to keep realizing it. And there's always a moment in the middle of deconstruction when I feel a bit Beautiful Mind about it all? Which can be unsettling too! I just try to offer myself and others a lot of grace.
I don’t know if I’m ready for this. But I know it is needed. And I’m grateful you have taken it into your hands.
Oh Laura, I don't know if I am ready either. I see you.
The thing that really struck me about your piece is how familiar it all feels, and I wasn't even raised LDS.
I'm reading everything you've written about how men have power, church is the highest authority and women are to be sacrificed—and it pushes into a tender part of my flesh. Our family joined a charismatic, evangelical church when I was 9, and while it was technically affiliated with other churches, but really it was shapeshifting much of the time. I can't help but reflect on the endless conversations I had growing up with my father and remember being told how, theologically, LDS folks weren't "real" Christians. But your descriptions of the power dynamics make me think that he would feel right at home. In fact, the structures of LDS as you describe them are exactly what my home church and my college church all echoed as the ideal way to help the "kingdom come to earth." 😕
Lamentations, indeed.
P.S. I studied LDS a bit at the beginning of my faith crisis in my 20s and read enough of Joseph Smith's writings to remember where the teachings had a demonstrable effect on me. So I also wanted to say that you are using the LDS vernacular in very understandable ways.
I just think about this piece pushing until it bruises and I feel so sorry for it. I think this is such an astute comment. Because ultimately, power structures can only take a few shapes. And most of them bruise. It's funny how the answers are embedded in the structures, huh? Like it was freeing to me, as I read Christ's words without the filter of my first religion, and realized hierarchical religion had nothing to do with anything He'd ever said. But I'd read those words so many times before....why couldn't I understand what they really said? For so long? Context is powerful, like...frighteningly so.
Holy shit Meg. Thank you for this. I was raised evangelical Christian and so much of what you write resonates deeply with me. “It felt impossible to leave but I was raised to believe impossible things.” Yes. Maybe someday I’ll finally, publicly leave, instead of just privately avoiding the churches of my youth. And it feels like necessary reparenting to read that you finally walked away because you couldn’t sacrifice your girls on that altar. This is such a necessary project and I can only imagine the emotional energy it requires. I will follow you to the end though and I’m so thankful for how your words echo in my mind. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Theodora, thank you for your gorgeous words. I don't know if being public is required of any of us. I feel that I need to be public because I am a slightly public person. And writing is the only thing I know how to do. I just really honor however you are navigating this. It is enough! And I've been thinking so much about the decisions my parents made vs the decisions we've made. The church taught me one thing. But the gospel I was given at home was different. And a lot of my conflict came when I realized the church didn't match the gospel at my kitchen table. It's perhaps not my story to tell - but my mom has left too. My dad has been gone for years, but he would have followed her anywhere. I get into this whole thing more in the series, but it's definitely something I've been thinking about. Like where is the line between reparenting and doing what you were raised to do? I don't know! But it's constantly on my mind.
It's interesting, leaving a faith. Mine was Catholicism, which still shapes me. I miss the liturgical year. I miss my parish (interestingly the best parish I was a part of was the Newman Center in SLC when I was in grad school). But that the Church has met it's reckoning with abuse by doubling down on it's worst tendencies, and by screaming to the right into the arms of authoritarianism, well. I'll go to Mass for a funeral, but that's it these days. And I buried my mother in the Episcopsalian church, because they weren't using the occasion as an opportunity to wield power.
I really relate with this in so many ways. I've liked the time I've spent in Episcopalian pews. I might spend more time there. I do miss a congregation. I do miss a sermon. I do miss the project of loving everyone in the pews. But...well...it is what it is. All my love.
I know. I miss the liturgical year. I miss the readings. I miss the standing and sitting and that we all enact faith with our bodies. The Episcopalians in my home town are really smart and interesting, I should check out our local. But yes. It's hard to defy gravity, and we remain defined by it. WIth luck, we keep the good bits, and use them to build something better.
Love back at you. I lived in SLC long enough to know what a massive thing it is you all did. And how hard.
I left Mormonism last year. I came out relatively unscathed but the more stories I hear the more I realize how lucky I am. Part of why I left it because I refuse to take my kids into a place with so much potential for harm. Thank you for this series!
This is so powerful Meg. I did not grow up with religion, but I do see parallel threads in the institutions and hierarchies we are told to accept, of patriarchal authority and structures we have been so conditioned by. It is amazing how hard it can be to see through it, how context and other influences we can't even see or know make a cage look safe, even powerful. I really appreciate you sharing your experience because as hard and confusing it can be to share it, it will help others see more clearly as well. Sending love and solidarity. 💜
My thoughts exactly. Ever since Christianity became the official religion of the roman empire it's been the model of patriarchy and hierarchy that's informed not only all its spinoffs but also our government, corporate, and social structures. I appreciate you Meg.
Carry on, my friend. I love your love of truth and your courageous commitment to the struggle of discerning and speaking it.
Everywhere you stand is a holy place, friend.
A lament! Meg, that got me right in the heart. To this day many of the people most close to me in my life are people who were also raised Mormon--who lived inside that intimate universe and know its same shape. The intimacy is both the gift and the sword, isn't it? Once you raise your voice you stand to lose the most intimate connections that you have. Some of the connections are more dear to me now than ever now that I stepped outside that universe, but some of them are severed--sister, mother, daughter. A lament, indeed.
If there's any way that I can support you while doing this, please let me know. I so look forward to the next installment.
"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven...a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.”
You know I’m right there, standing with you.
Meg, your writing hits exactly the right spot. The world-shifting realization that what you were taught was THE TRUTH is really just one version of oppression for so many of us, and has nothing to do with what Jesus taught or how he operated. With you on this journey!