I'm so very sorry, to your reader who attended Covenant. I'm not from Nashville, but I am from Tennessee (Chattanooga), and I attended a school as a child that sounds very similar in size and structure to Covenant. I know people who went there better than I know just about anyone else who's crossed my path in any other school or organization in my life.
I also have a kindergartner now, in another state (New Jersey) far away, in a very different kind of school, and I'm absolutely terrified to send him off tomorrow. He was home sick today and is getting very tired of my hugs but I can't stop.
Andy Ogles is a shit human being and we should all dedicate resources to getting him out of office.
NJ *feels* safer today because of its gun laws but I don't feel safe. I feel like I'm just signing my kid up for a shark tank.
Thank you for inviting us to share here. I’ll be coming back to the thread later to see if anyone else is in a place to offer more than this, but here’s all I have right now: I’m scared to send my little boy to kindergarten next year. I’ve never felt anything quite like this kind of fear--it’s like a jittery itchy fear. Most of my brain says “Odds are, he’ll be safe. Most kids don’t get shot or see people shot.” And all of the rest of me can’t square the image of him walking into one of these big buildings. Will it feel like this every day? Parents of older kids--does it feel like this every day?
My son taught third grade for two years in a village in Alaska. The second time I visited him there, we were in the gym after lunch when the principal came into the room and quietly told my son to take his students to their classroom for a lockdown. This is not a drill, he said. The students obediently put away the basketballs and followed my son. They helped him lock the classroom door and pull the shades, just as they had been taught, and we all huddled in a corner of the room. My son did an amazing job of keeping his students calm and quiet. None of us knew what was happening. About an hour later we were told the lockdown was over, and we later learned that an ex-high school student had been spotted near the school entrance with a weapon. What broke my heart was how much in stride the kids all seemed to take it. I also remember looking around and realizing we’d truly have no defense if someone came into that room with a gun.
My son now teaches in a local school. His fiancée teaches first grade at another nearby school. My daughter teaches high school in New Orleans. Every time there is a shooting in a place that should be a safe haven, my stomach knots up. I don’t understand how the pro-gun lobby can have so much power that it prevents us from common-sense regulations and restrictions that a majority of Americans support.
oof! this is so tough. As my sister said, "you know it's bad when the women pick up the weapons." toxic despair is communicable and fatal.
I feel a kind of survivor guilt that I am a mother of old children, that this (school shooting) hadn't entered our consciousness when they were in elementary school. My heart breaks for all the children and parents and teachers who have to hold this is mind every day.
And I am grieving, and donating, and supporting the changes our lawmakers here in VT are making. But poetry is the answer right now, I think. From Margaret Atwood's A Sad Child:
I feel wrathful. And fear, and grief, and terror for my 6 month old child. But mostly, I feel all-consuming wrath.
I work at an agency that serves survivors of domestic and sexual violence and I am waiting for the day when we have a perpetrator come through our doors with a gun because they're angry that we're helping their victim. It has happened before and we've managed to lock them out, but I worry that we won't be fast enough next time or the "bulletproof" glass won't hold or they'll just wait for us in the parking lot. Last year, the child of a client accidentally pushed the panic button while in a conference room, and we all got "run, hide, fight" warnings on the Alert message systems around the office. I was 9 months pregnant and in the employee bathroom when the alarm went off. I wasn't physically able to hide or run, and I didn't have my phone so I could say what I thought was goodbye to my spouse or family. We all thought it was real - and it turned out that the Alert message system wasn't hooked up to 911, so law enforcement never responded. It turned out to be an accident and no one was hurt, but I am convinced that next time it will be real.
Also - the vast, vast majority of mass shooters have an extensive and documented history of violence against women. It's one of the leading indicators of a potential mass shooter. And in my state, our community organization gender-based violence intervention and prevention budgets are facing projected cuts of 25-38% due to reductions at the federal level. I'm spending my next month trying to invent money out of thin air to cover the bare minimum of services, and in the meantime, children are still being slaughtered.
My 3rd grade class is eating lunch right now and all I can do is dissociate. That's all I've got left. My 8 year old is a student in my class, and I hope I guess I could get between him and a shooter. And we're at the end of the hall so perhaps we'd have time to barricade or evacuate. My 11 year old is in middle school across town and there's not a thing I can or could do to protect her. Hence, dissociate. It's all I've got.
I had other reasons for pulling my kids from school four years ago (a change in administration and school configuration being the main ones.) But school shootings and the fear of them keep me from sending them back. This last year has been so hard for us emotionally and physically and so many times I’ve wondered if I should just send them back, but then another shooting happens and my answer is always, no. I will continue to struggle through just to keep them close. I know this is a privilege not all can bear. I know we need to work for better long term solutions. My new I worry is that they won’t be prepared. Not educationally but because they don’t do the drills and the lockdowns that gun violence will find them in their adulthood at college or the grocery store and they won’t know what to do because I kept them home. Isn’t that such a sick worry? Isn’t that such a sick commentary on the state of things? I can’t shelter them forever but I will today.
The world is not big enough to hold the grief for these children, teachers, and families. I hate how helpless I feel sending the children I love to a place where I can't protect them. I'm thankful to the teachers and other adults in these schools who do their best to provide stability and safety. May their gods bless and keep them.
Thank you for offering a place to talk and listen and support each other.
I'm a Nashvillian and know at least one teacher at Covenant (he's fine), and I just heard from another friend that at least one person who was a substitute at the school today is in the hospital. The Tennessean also said that the shooter was a former student. My husband taught in Nashville public schools up until a year ago (became a web developer during covid). He was an elementary school PE teacher, and I lived in fear because he'd be the one to throw himself in front of his students and fellow teachers. I've still got two out of my own four kids who are in high school. It's disgusting because at the national level every person who represents my area of the state (and every other part but Memphis) is a Republican who will do nothing to make this better. Quite frankly they always do the opposite. I've lived in Nashville since I was 8, but between this shit and wondering how much longer my oldest daughter who is trans will be able to visit me, and my husband and I are seriously considering moving.
I have this foggy rage and heartbreak grounded in what a lost society we seem to be, but that biting, visceral fear of being a parent of a child whose body is in peril every day they walk into a space where they're supposed to be safe and nurtured…that has never touched me, not really.
My husband and I chose not to have kids for many reasons, not the least of which was not wanting to HAVE to feel this daily terror.
I have a niece and nephew in a Chicago Public Schools elementary school, and until…well, just now, I never thought about the possibility of it happening in their school. Which is, of course, absurd. Because it could. Tomorrow.
Y'all, I hate it here, and I am so sorry we have to endure this time. I see you.
I just don't know what we are supposed to do. I have a 1st Grader and one in Kindergarten. My sister's same age children attend a Nashville Elementary school.
As a chronically ill mother I rely on and shatter over my need to rely on public school to help me be a somewhat functional provider to my boys. After a hard weekend I did everything I could to send them off to school this morning, even took an inhaler back to my eldest midday, and collapsed in tears over the effort. Then I read the news and I collapse again because I can't physically care for them full time out of school, but my heart can't bear the fear I frequently have of sending them!
The last thing I want to feel is apathy, but it tempts me when logic and our hearts are so twisted beyond recognition. Now I get to go pick up my child, when I have barely enough strength to do so. Thank God that today i have the opportunity (again) to kiss and hold them afterward.
So sad and depressed. I live in Utah and was so hopeful Mike Lee would be ousted in the last election, but nope. Not here. It’s just sickening and disheartening. It’s like our country has lost its ability to reason. I joined moms against gun violence after Uvalde. I called my all of my congressmen multiple times EVERYDAY when they were voting on gun legislation. You know, they don’t care what I think they don’t care that they represent all of their constituents, they only cater to the right wing ultra conservatives. Because that’s what they are. It’s disgusting. How can someone who has the power to change laws to save children’s lives not DO THE RIGHT THING???? Regardless of the consequences. They should be proud to stand up for innocent children even if it means losing their seat. It’s plain to me that the only care of theirs is remaining in power. At any cost. I tried to share the phone numbers and info with my closest friends after Uvalde, and out of 30 or so people I personally texted and called, only 2 called our representatives one time. It was discouraging to say the least. I thought my dearest and closest friends and family would want to do more. I was wrong. So wrong that 2 months ago I learned (probably by accident) that one of my best friends of 40 years (who happens to be my sister-in-law) has guns and a concealed carry permit (along with her husband, my brother). I guess that explains why she didn’t call to ask our senators to vote on gun legislation. I feel like I’m on a sinking ship. And there’s boats floating by everyday whose occupants just look the other way when they go by. Honestly I’ve given up any hope of things changing.
I'm so furious it hurts and also I feel myself disassociating hard. I have a first grader and one who will start kindergarten in the fall and I just keep coming back to the fact I have no good choices. I cannot physically or mentally handle them home full time, neither am I emotionally strong sending them to school. One of the middle schools in our district was locked down for active shooter today (all student and staff are safe, they didn't get in the building) and I just . . . I don't know what more I can do to keep them safe. I engage in a magical practice that I use to craft protection jars I put in their backpacks and I mark sigils as they leave the house, but I know it's not enough. It's my number one issue with voting, but in a red state that feels very hopeless. Sorry I'm rambling, I just feel so lost in our collective grief.
I have two grandkids in Ohio (4&3) the older one will be five in October so one more year of relative calm before she enters the school system. Not a day goes by when I’m not trying to devise a plan to expat everyone to Denmark where they have citizenship (I do not, but I have skills 🙃)
My other grandkid is in NY, so relatively more safe... he’s 2 so a couple more years...
I’m gonna be a constant basket case as long as they all live in America and our overpaid, underworked Congress does nothing.
I'm so very sorry, to your reader who attended Covenant. I'm not from Nashville, but I am from Tennessee (Chattanooga), and I attended a school as a child that sounds very similar in size and structure to Covenant. I know people who went there better than I know just about anyone else who's crossed my path in any other school or organization in my life.
I also have a kindergartner now, in another state (New Jersey) far away, in a very different kind of school, and I'm absolutely terrified to send him off tomorrow. He was home sick today and is getting very tired of my hugs but I can't stop.
Andy Ogles is a shit human being and we should all dedicate resources to getting him out of office.
NJ *feels* safer today because of its gun laws but I don't feel safe. I feel like I'm just signing my kid up for a shark tank.
Thank you for inviting us to share here. I’ll be coming back to the thread later to see if anyone else is in a place to offer more than this, but here’s all I have right now: I’m scared to send my little boy to kindergarten next year. I’ve never felt anything quite like this kind of fear--it’s like a jittery itchy fear. Most of my brain says “Odds are, he’ll be safe. Most kids don’t get shot or see people shot.” And all of the rest of me can’t square the image of him walking into one of these big buildings. Will it feel like this every day? Parents of older kids--does it feel like this every day?
Three kids in elementary school over here. My throat is thick with sorrow and rage.
I exclaimed "Jesus F-ing Christ" when the news broke and at this point, I feel like that stands as a prayer.
My son taught third grade for two years in a village in Alaska. The second time I visited him there, we were in the gym after lunch when the principal came into the room and quietly told my son to take his students to their classroom for a lockdown. This is not a drill, he said. The students obediently put away the basketballs and followed my son. They helped him lock the classroom door and pull the shades, just as they had been taught, and we all huddled in a corner of the room. My son did an amazing job of keeping his students calm and quiet. None of us knew what was happening. About an hour later we were told the lockdown was over, and we later learned that an ex-high school student had been spotted near the school entrance with a weapon. What broke my heart was how much in stride the kids all seemed to take it. I also remember looking around and realizing we’d truly have no defense if someone came into that room with a gun.
My son now teaches in a local school. His fiancée teaches first grade at another nearby school. My daughter teaches high school in New Orleans. Every time there is a shooting in a place that should be a safe haven, my stomach knots up. I don’t understand how the pro-gun lobby can have so much power that it prevents us from common-sense regulations and restrictions that a majority of Americans support.
oof! this is so tough. As my sister said, "you know it's bad when the women pick up the weapons." toxic despair is communicable and fatal.
I feel a kind of survivor guilt that I am a mother of old children, that this (school shooting) hadn't entered our consciousness when they were in elementary school. My heart breaks for all the children and parents and teachers who have to hold this is mind every day.
And I am grieving, and donating, and supporting the changes our lawmakers here in VT are making. But poetry is the answer right now, I think. From Margaret Atwood's A Sad Child:
My darling, when it comes
right down to it
and the light fails and the fog rolls in
and you're trapped in your overturned body
under a blanket or burning car,
and the red flame is seeping out of you
and igniting the tarmac beside your head
or else the floor, or else the pillow,
none of us is;
or else we all are.
https://poemotopia.com/margaret-atwood/a-sad-child/
I feel wrathful. And fear, and grief, and terror for my 6 month old child. But mostly, I feel all-consuming wrath.
I work at an agency that serves survivors of domestic and sexual violence and I am waiting for the day when we have a perpetrator come through our doors with a gun because they're angry that we're helping their victim. It has happened before and we've managed to lock them out, but I worry that we won't be fast enough next time or the "bulletproof" glass won't hold or they'll just wait for us in the parking lot. Last year, the child of a client accidentally pushed the panic button while in a conference room, and we all got "run, hide, fight" warnings on the Alert message systems around the office. I was 9 months pregnant and in the employee bathroom when the alarm went off. I wasn't physically able to hide or run, and I didn't have my phone so I could say what I thought was goodbye to my spouse or family. We all thought it was real - and it turned out that the Alert message system wasn't hooked up to 911, so law enforcement never responded. It turned out to be an accident and no one was hurt, but I am convinced that next time it will be real.
Also - the vast, vast majority of mass shooters have an extensive and documented history of violence against women. It's one of the leading indicators of a potential mass shooter. And in my state, our community organization gender-based violence intervention and prevention budgets are facing projected cuts of 25-38% due to reductions at the federal level. I'm spending my next month trying to invent money out of thin air to cover the bare minimum of services, and in the meantime, children are still being slaughtered.
My 3rd grade class is eating lunch right now and all I can do is dissociate. That's all I've got left. My 8 year old is a student in my class, and I hope I guess I could get between him and a shooter. And we're at the end of the hall so perhaps we'd have time to barricade or evacuate. My 11 year old is in middle school across town and there's not a thing I can or could do to protect her. Hence, dissociate. It's all I've got.
I had other reasons for pulling my kids from school four years ago (a change in administration and school configuration being the main ones.) But school shootings and the fear of them keep me from sending them back. This last year has been so hard for us emotionally and physically and so many times I’ve wondered if I should just send them back, but then another shooting happens and my answer is always, no. I will continue to struggle through just to keep them close. I know this is a privilege not all can bear. I know we need to work for better long term solutions. My new I worry is that they won’t be prepared. Not educationally but because they don’t do the drills and the lockdowns that gun violence will find them in their adulthood at college or the grocery store and they won’t know what to do because I kept them home. Isn’t that such a sick worry? Isn’t that such a sick commentary on the state of things? I can’t shelter them forever but I will today.
The world is not big enough to hold the grief for these children, teachers, and families. I hate how helpless I feel sending the children I love to a place where I can't protect them. I'm thankful to the teachers and other adults in these schools who do their best to provide stability and safety. May their gods bless and keep them.
Thank you for offering a place to talk and listen and support each other.
I'm a Nashvillian and know at least one teacher at Covenant (he's fine), and I just heard from another friend that at least one person who was a substitute at the school today is in the hospital. The Tennessean also said that the shooter was a former student. My husband taught in Nashville public schools up until a year ago (became a web developer during covid). He was an elementary school PE teacher, and I lived in fear because he'd be the one to throw himself in front of his students and fellow teachers. I've still got two out of my own four kids who are in high school. It's disgusting because at the national level every person who represents my area of the state (and every other part but Memphis) is a Republican who will do nothing to make this better. Quite frankly they always do the opposite. I've lived in Nashville since I was 8, but between this shit and wondering how much longer my oldest daughter who is trans will be able to visit me, and my husband and I are seriously considering moving.
I have this foggy rage and heartbreak grounded in what a lost society we seem to be, but that biting, visceral fear of being a parent of a child whose body is in peril every day they walk into a space where they're supposed to be safe and nurtured…that has never touched me, not really.
My husband and I chose not to have kids for many reasons, not the least of which was not wanting to HAVE to feel this daily terror.
I have a niece and nephew in a Chicago Public Schools elementary school, and until…well, just now, I never thought about the possibility of it happening in their school. Which is, of course, absurd. Because it could. Tomorrow.
Y'all, I hate it here, and I am so sorry we have to endure this time. I see you.
Please, if you know, help with the information Meg asked for at the end of this post:
Who is good on gun safety laws in your state?
Who is not?
Who do we need to help you vote out?
And, I would add, who is doing good work that we can support? Who are the community builders?
I just don't know what we are supposed to do. I have a 1st Grader and one in Kindergarten. My sister's same age children attend a Nashville Elementary school.
As a chronically ill mother I rely on and shatter over my need to rely on public school to help me be a somewhat functional provider to my boys. After a hard weekend I did everything I could to send them off to school this morning, even took an inhaler back to my eldest midday, and collapsed in tears over the effort. Then I read the news and I collapse again because I can't physically care for them full time out of school, but my heart can't bear the fear I frequently have of sending them!
The last thing I want to feel is apathy, but it tempts me when logic and our hearts are so twisted beyond recognition. Now I get to go pick up my child, when I have barely enough strength to do so. Thank God that today i have the opportunity (again) to kiss and hold them afterward.
So sad and depressed. I live in Utah and was so hopeful Mike Lee would be ousted in the last election, but nope. Not here. It’s just sickening and disheartening. It’s like our country has lost its ability to reason. I joined moms against gun violence after Uvalde. I called my all of my congressmen multiple times EVERYDAY when they were voting on gun legislation. You know, they don’t care what I think they don’t care that they represent all of their constituents, they only cater to the right wing ultra conservatives. Because that’s what they are. It’s disgusting. How can someone who has the power to change laws to save children’s lives not DO THE RIGHT THING???? Regardless of the consequences. They should be proud to stand up for innocent children even if it means losing their seat. It’s plain to me that the only care of theirs is remaining in power. At any cost. I tried to share the phone numbers and info with my closest friends after Uvalde, and out of 30 or so people I personally texted and called, only 2 called our representatives one time. It was discouraging to say the least. I thought my dearest and closest friends and family would want to do more. I was wrong. So wrong that 2 months ago I learned (probably by accident) that one of my best friends of 40 years (who happens to be my sister-in-law) has guns and a concealed carry permit (along with her husband, my brother). I guess that explains why she didn’t call to ask our senators to vote on gun legislation. I feel like I’m on a sinking ship. And there’s boats floating by everyday whose occupants just look the other way when they go by. Honestly I’ve given up any hope of things changing.
I'm so furious it hurts and also I feel myself disassociating hard. I have a first grader and one who will start kindergarten in the fall and I just keep coming back to the fact I have no good choices. I cannot physically or mentally handle them home full time, neither am I emotionally strong sending them to school. One of the middle schools in our district was locked down for active shooter today (all student and staff are safe, they didn't get in the building) and I just . . . I don't know what more I can do to keep them safe. I engage in a magical practice that I use to craft protection jars I put in their backpacks and I mark sigils as they leave the house, but I know it's not enough. It's my number one issue with voting, but in a red state that feels very hopeless. Sorry I'm rambling, I just feel so lost in our collective grief.
I have two grandkids in Ohio (4&3) the older one will be five in October so one more year of relative calm before she enters the school system. Not a day goes by when I’m not trying to devise a plan to expat everyone to Denmark where they have citizenship (I do not, but I have skills 🙃)
My other grandkid is in NY, so relatively more safe... he’s 2 so a couple more years...
I’m gonna be a constant basket case as long as they all live in America and our overpaid, underworked Congress does nothing.